My Family is Crazy: How Ukraine Has Torn An American Family Apart

Things have always been a little tense since Trump was elected to office. I’m the black sheep of the family, which means I’m more liberal leaning then the rest of my hyper, dare I say fringe, conservative brethren. However, between QAnon, angry mass emails, and underground echo chambers, things have steadily gotten worse during the last 5 years.

Looking back, “abortion”, “mask mandates” and “vaccines” almost seem quaint. However, it was Ukraine that completely fractured the debate within my family.

It started out simple enough. I shared a story on my family’s SMS thread talking about sanctions against Russia. Things quickly spiraled to a name-calling argument around who were the good guys and the bad guys in this “special operation” (aka War in Ukraine).

I’m a firm believer that Ukraine is the victim, the refugees and the people being shelled daily are the victims. Russia is the aggressor. Putin is the aggressor. This is his war and he is the bad guy.

My family, educated, well-to-do, and white, are complex. They believe I’m a robot/android who is a follower and a believer in the mass media. Even traditionally stalwart conservative media outlets, like FoxNews and the Wall Street Journal, are in on the game.

“I don’t trust the media. I heard Putin’s speeches and they have been very difficult to obtain… Media appears to be preventing it. He “sounds” like he has his “reasons”. ~A Family Member

They believe the war doesn’t exist or, if it does, Ukraine, “did something to piss Putin off.” Exactly what was not expressed.

I point out Poland 1942 as an example of unjustified invasion wrapped in appeasement of an aggressor (Hitler) but they counter with “so what, Russia already annexed Crimea 10 years ago.” They justify the invasion because it had already started.

They question me, “Have you listened to Putin’s speech yesterday?”

I answer, “Yes, as an informed individual who reads the news judiciously.”

To me, Putin’s arguement is simple. Putin believes (or states) he is liberating the Ukrainians from Nazis. However, history demonstrates that Putin’s actions are more like those of Germany in WW2 than as the savior he paints himself to be. He is invading a democracy, killing women and children with indiscriminate artillery fire, and forcing 3+ million civilians to flee their homes.

And that leads directly to another family argument: It’s all crisis actors and make believe.

“… It’s super weird that the Ukrainian leadership are all actually actors and production specialists” ~A Family Member

This is the same line time and time again on my family’s chats and emails through the decades. 9/11 victims and reponders were crisis actors (I lived in the suburbs of NYC during 9/11) as well as Parkland, Tacoma Mall, and Newtown. It’s weird when it’s your own family and you try to reason with them. However, for them, the “deep state” is real and the prudent next step is buying gold and guns to protect your personal horde.

When I mentioned the Ukrainian theater bombing and the hospital maternity ward, there was a line for that as well.

“Were there weapons in the hospital? I don’t know. Did they use the hospital as a military front? Weapons on top…? ~A Family Member

Once again, it’s always a blame-the-victim arguement. Not that Russia is an aggressor, but Ukraine did something to bring Russia’s wrath. It’s an infuriating argument that has no factual backing or middle ground. Just Putin speeches. In this echo chamber, you either believe it’s all a lie of crisis actors, or Ukraine brought it upon themselves. “Russians are liberators and stopping Nazis.”

How do you debate the war, when your family won’t acknowledge the existence of that war? How do you debate the players when they believe them to be actors? How do you keep the lines of family communication open, when they are so oviously broken. We are not only talking in different languages, but we live in different realities entirely.

Ultimately, this time around the conspiracy spiral feels different. I don’t have the same patience I had with vaccine or mask mandate discussions. There isn’t a gray area for me, when people are being killed needlessly and a functioning democracy is being overthrown. My “deep state” family sound like misinformed sheeple. They won’t share their sources, abandoning any public mass media, and simple facts and arguments can’t play a role as they can all be dismissed as fake.

These days, it’s like talking to people deep into a cult. I honestly pity them. There is no middle ground with them — You are either in or out. Everyone who is out, is the enemy. Our family has been torn in a way I’m not used to and, if I’m honest with myself, I don’t even want to fix it anymore.